Sometimes, in life, relationships, friendships and work, I really believe love just isn’t enough.
You can love the people in your life, you can love the house you live in, you can love your workplace and your colleagues, but if you find yourself feeling unfulfilled or are limiting your ability to achieve your goals then it is time to let go.
[Disclaimer: This post is a positive one, despite touching on some negative things. I am happy, and things are good and I am excited for what the future holds.]
In 2018 I met someone by total accident, and we had a very turbulent relationship. He was the first person I loved, but was also in the end the first person to almost revert me back to the severely bad mental health I had during uni. After 1.5 years of happiness, fun, love but also of pain, arguing, long distance and destructing habits from both sides – I calmly told him that we had met our end and that despite whatever we both felt, we ultimately could not make it work. I put a lot of blame on him initially, then on myself – but realistically, we were both at fault for our own reasons and equally both had psychological issues which we needed to address.
In that instance, I walked away from love. Because I was spending more time being sad and angry and alone than I was feeling happy. It was hard, it still is hard if I’m honest, but it was absolutely one hundred percent the correct thing to do. (And I will add that I have since met someone who everything just goes right with!)
Now, in 2020, this absolute shit show of a year, I am moving on from another form of love. A love for a place and a group of people who I have been with for 2.5 years – which isn’t long in career terms, but it is long enough to form friendships and attachments.
I am leaving my current position and am moving on to become a Campaign Executive in the wonderful city of Bristol, a place where I studied and which I love.
When love isn’t enough: my 2020 job change
Changing jobs in the midst of a pandemic, am I absolutely mental? Probably, yes.
Now it may seem a bit selfish, as there are lots of people who are searching for jobs who are genuinely left out of work. Whereas I was able to continue working throughout which I am very thankful for.
However, I did take part in a fair interview process and to be honest when I saw the role I thought “well, why not – that sounds really exciting”. Something was really calling me to the job, and I applied.
In the third episode of the Elizabeth Day podcast, Elizabeth interviewed author Dolly Alderton and the episode really spoke to me. The whole interview was brilliant and made me both really think and laugh. However, there were a few parts in particular that really struck a chord with me.
Dolly spoke of how she loved the company and being there and her colleagues but added that she wasn’t really being challenged. She said, “I lost patience, I probably wasn’t as enthusiastic as I could’ve been”.
She had gotten too comfortable, and was going about her role being decidedly average. Before her boss told her that she needed to go and do what she loved, and that she needed to be uncomfortable for a bit.
I think in a sense, I might have hit that zone although my path to get here is slightly different. I am working in a small business, a place which I love, and whilst there are sometimes huge opportunities in small companies for progression – after 2.5 years I feel like things for my role have gotten a bit stagnant and that for me personally, progression is currently limited. This is due to a combination of many factors, some of which are influenced by me and some of which are not so much.
I have learnt so much in my current role, have had an amazing time and have made friendships with an amazing group of people. However, there are certain areas in which things are lacking and where my attitudes and needs don’t match up with that of my current employer. Whilst I don’t want to be micromanaged, I think I am at an age and at a stage in my life where I need a mentor and I need to have someone who has the experience to show me how to do my job to the absolute best of my ability.
I want to grow, I want to be pushed, I want to be awesome at what I do and I want to progress. And I need an environment where progression is clearly mapped out and where I can have clearly defined aims to go further. From a more personal level, I also need to do that in order to be able to purchase a flat/house next year – which is my one any only life goal, which has stemmed from an obsessive need to have security and to have a home that is my own.
And so, after some debate I am walking away from a place and people I love in pursuit of a position that I know is a great match for me. It is more specialised, I can now afford to borrow enough for a mortgage once my deposit is sorted, I am able to save much more without stressing over every penny for fuel or a charity shop dress, there are lots of fitness perks which work for me and I really really truly believe that I am not sacrificing environment for progression. I think there is a real balance here between progression, environment and wellbeing – which is crucial for me.
I feel a sense of relief, a sense of absolute “what the fuck” (couldn’t find a better word), a sense of amazement and a sense of pride in myself for taking steps that I know in the long run will bring me bigger opportunity.
Who knows, this new chapter might be a disaster or it could lead to a newfound love. But one quote that is helping me remain calm and excited, rather than terrified, is this:
“The magic is in that uncomfortable space sometimes”.
So, cheers to a new chapter in 2020. I am hoping this will pave the way for a less shitty half of the year!
Have you ever been in a situation where love isn’t enough? Let me know in the comments.